I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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