highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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