This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
