Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
