Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
