We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
