you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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