My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
