dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
