She went from zero to smokin in five shots
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
