I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
