At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
