I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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