If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
