my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
