porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
