I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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