Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
