listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just had sex bonerless
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
