he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
