Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
