Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
wow bdsm is so cute
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