The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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