Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
