hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
