Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
