This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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