i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
