im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
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