Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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