I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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