So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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