My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
