Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
