my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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