Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
