She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
