this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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