You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
