Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
