you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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