A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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