I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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