You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
