and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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