using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
