I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
