He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
