she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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