Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
